Does this sound like a talk show ? It could be !

Hello there world ! This is your chance to connect with other people living life in the ‘closet’  as gay, lesbian and bi. You’ve come to the right place for a caring environment where I will express myself on a wide range of topics of things that I encounter on almost a daily basis. Feel free to post comments or contact me about things you would like to see or content you have written.  Negative, hateful or hurtful comments will not be tolerated.  Now get out there and live your best gay life, the journey has just begun !

My Best Friends Best Friend Isn’t Me

It’s no mystery I like to put out there these epiphanies I have during every day life. What I write is more of a journal and less something to be evaluated for feedback by anyone that happens to come upon it. That way I don’t have to censor myself for fear of what might come back to me through comments. So we’ll give honesty a chance and see where it leads me. Now on to my catchy little title, which I think would make a good 80’s rock song.

It’s been a long long haul with my partner and I admit we do support each other nicely. My partner is not my everything contrary to our declarations when we first got together. Aye, it’s been a slippery slope with lots of twists and turns in the road along the way. Here comes the revelation… My partner is my very very good friend if nothing more. In fact my partner is my best friend. We see each other everyday, offer pleasantries, good conversation, friendship, are there for each other and can rely of each other. Problem is, I am not my partners best friend. I hate to admit it but I think I actually rank a solid 4th or 5th on their friends list.

Does that not seem wrong ? Are you the best friend of your best friend? My partner has many solid connections (friends) other than me. People that they can see on a regular basis, make connections with and derive meaning and happiness from. I on the other hand struggle to find meaning with others and yearn for connection. I find myself being a member of the supporting cast in my own life. Lately, I think I’ve been drifting in to a darker place as I acknowledge I’m getting older and that connection might very well never come ever again.

This is quite contrary to how I grew up. As a teenager, I was never home. I was always out running around somewhere with the boys. We got in to a lot of trouble but we were solid. It was an automatic call out everyday to figure out where we were going to meet to hang out and spend the day or evening. I always had at least one best friend, often more. I’m sure my parents often wondered where I was as I spent more time away from home than in it.

Fast forward several decades and here I am. Pondering what the frick went wrong. Today it makes me laugh but more often than not, it just makes me want to cry. I think I’ve read somewhere before that there is a mental disorder that describes this inability to make meaningful interpersonal connections with other people. Thanks to the pandemic and a shortage of mental health workers in my area getting help for this is not an option. It seems the only way to get help in my area is to have a full on mental health melt down in order to get admitted in to the crisis centre. Am I there yet? Nope….not yet… so don’t worry. It was nice to put this out there and potentially have someone listen.

Are you the best friend of your best friend ? Then consider yourself blessed and keep on doing what you are doing. I admire you and wish you all the best as you move forward together in life.

Has someone ever said to you: “I Like You” ?

Recently, I’ve discovered kdrama’s on Netflix. I am a sucker for a good romantic comedy, sometimes even with a splash of a good ghost story thrown in for good measure. If you can tolerate getting your dialogue through subtitles then you are a candidate for a whole new tv viewing experience. I would like to point out that no words more powerful than “I like you” have ever been uttered in a kdrama.

It’s a completely different cultural experience watching something filmed in another country. EVERYTHING is different. Thats why if you are sick of the content of our North American Netflix you should give these a try. A different culture means different values from many different angles. There are many different impressions the characters can give each other considering the different social divides that exist in their culture.

One thing I really have trouble getting used to are the crazy things that they eat on these shows. How often have you seen someone eating little cooked squids on a stick? Obviously a menu driven by living near a sea. There are a few parts of animals such as from cows that I have never consumed before. Intestines any one? Ok, these things just bring a chuckle when you are not prepared for it to be mentioned on the show. All fun aside, these cultures know how to value things in the food chain that we often take for granted. I feel a little sheepish at times that I don’t consider more of these kinds of foods. Maybe I’ll change? or perhaps just keeping an open mind will do. Something to keep in mind as you experience your new viewing culture.

Respect. One of the things I do like are the shows of respect between a man and a woman. A relationship starts when two people grow closer together and a friendship is formed. By learning about each other a solid bond emerges. You could say they become ‘best friends’. Then one of them will realize they like the other more than just friends. This usually leads to an admission of ‘I like you’. It can take long time to reach this point but this is usually where the fun begins.

This isn’t just a passing comment. it is taken very seriously in kdrama. It can either lead to a confirmation by the other person or a rejection. Rejection sometimes leads to the destruction of the friendship or both parties attempting to move forward without change as if nothing has happened. What is intriguing is when both parties confess to liking each other. They then move forward at a slow pace but with purpose. That purpose as it turns out ultimately to be marriage. All triggered by that simple phrase. Whoa you say, ‘pump the brakes’ ! All that was said is ‘I like you’. That is where the charm of the kdrama kicks in. Starting small but already picturing the end goal. You may have already figured out that saying ‘I like you’ in a kdrama is the North American equivalent of ‘I love you’.

I’m actually addicted to the ‘I like you’ of these shows. Each series actually has several of these occurring between many of the supporting characters. That is one of the other things I love about kdramas. The relationships between the supporting characters and any potential matches are resolved by the end of the show series. None of that leaving questions about what happened to so and so in the show. Kdramas tie up the loose ends when they finish. They never leave you hanging. If you are cheering on one of the supporting characters relationships you will see how it concludes. You don’t have to wait till next season to see if any of the love matches happen or not which is quite common on local Netflix.

There is no shortage of romantic comedy kdramas out there. Want to get your fill of romance surrounded by positive relationships and smattering of good old family values? Give these a try. You’ll learn what all the buzz is about and experience something completely different. It’s like opening a door to a world you never knew was out there.

Dating Sites for Social Contact?

I used to join dating sites and one in particular that involved fish. What a good place to go to get cat fished wouldn’t you say? lol perhaps. It was a lot of fun until the day my account got hacked. Apparently that really does happen to people. These were always places that I got to browse and look for a partner in crime. I kept my settings set to my city only and got to see the same people appear over and over and over again. Things changed the day I chose to think globally.

In the age of covid, being all by my lonesome and feeling lonely started to wear thin again and I once again reached out to the dating web sites. If the site wishes to sponsor me then great I will divulge those details about which site it was but until that happens they will remain anonymous. I didn’t want to see a pool of the same faces over and over so I picked a much larger site that was on the other site of the globe. Finally I was in a place where everyone talked about finding their soulmate and not their next conquest. People listed their best traits and what they traits they expected in return. This was pretty crazy as there was no suggestions of a hookup any where in sight. I posted my picture and waited to see what would happen.

What happened next was unexpected. My message counts started to climb… and climb … and climb. For once in my life I felt popular! This was crazy, little old me getting so much attention. As a non paying customer I was not able to respond to these messages but I could see who they were from and how much they wrote. I could read their profiles and get a good sense of what they were all about. There was a system to like each other and see who did the liking. Another nice feature was being able to see who actually looked at your profile. So a ‘like’ and a ‘look’ was a sure fire way to tell there was interest there. I began to diligently start my quest for finding like minded people.

I did eventually contact a few people and established some communication between the two of us. Actually I made the mistake of working the web site like I did my first fishy site. If I was interested in someone I would strike up a conversation with them. With the previous web site I would say maybe 50% of people would reply and even fewer would cough up more than a sentence. I found that these people wanted to talk….talk a lot…. and talk everyday. Wow, what a culture shock from what I was used to here in my own country. (Canada in case you were keeping track). For someone stuck at home during the pandemic (work , Eat , Sleep, rinse & repeat) I had hit the social jackpot.

This took some time to get used to and I’m still getting use to it. I am in real life no social animal. I’m considered shy (reserved by those that don’t know me well) and somewhat socially awkward in a group setting. You could say it felt like being thrust in to super star status. The messages just keep climbing and it still feels good that so many people express an interest in me. The odd person even floats a compliment my way about my appearance 😉 So I won’t complain about that. It is interesting to finally have what feels like a social life and that it occurred from a source I never would have thought it would ever come from. All of this happened through a computer and at a time while a full blown pandemic is on. Perhaps this little story will help someone else reach out beyond their four walls too.

Do you know of any other good places to meet people that are open to friendship just like I have discovered? Then drop a comment, I’d love to hear more about how I can get in on what I’ve been missing.

I am a persistent little bugger

I try new things some times. Would you call something you do every 4 years something new? I find that 4 years is about enough time for me to forget about most of what I know about how to replace the brake pads on a car. Even though there are gaps in what I remember on how to do this, guess what I attempted this weekend? Yup, you guessed it…. The rear brakes on my Toyota Matrix.

I’m not going to talk about how it’s a small job that can easily be done by someone else in a few hours. Or that fact that I refuse to pay a mechanic a ton of money to do some thing that I am capable of doing myself. I’m going to talk about my refusal to give up when the going gets tough.

A job like this takes a normal human say 2 hours of dedicated time. It takes me the wonder home mechanic a good weekend. Ok, it only took me two half days because every hour before noon is mine to kill as I feel fit every weekend. So I won’t even turn a wrench before noon 😉 Why does it take me so long to pull off this job? All the little annoying things that can go wrong did go wrong this time. This item doesn’t fit, that thing is supposed to do such and such when I turn it in this direction….but it doesn’t.

It’s the kind of stuff that goes wrong and makes you want to throw things. Oddly, I was at peace with myself this time around. The radio hummed in the background, belting out 80’s tracks, my coffee tasted good and a sense of pride could be felt as neighbours walked by my open garage door seeing my car in the midst of ‘open brake surgery’. I would get this thing back together no matter what. I would succeed was the mantra beating a drum in the back of my mind.

I learned a little about myself this week end: I am a persistent little bugger. No matter what obstacle I faced, I kept going… And will keep on going as I finish this little job. It’s not quite done yet as air got in the system so I need to bleed the brakes to be completely done…. but I’ll get ‘er done. My old beast of a car will live on again, partly due to my persistence.

It was at the end of the weekend that I started thinking that not everyone is built like this. Driven to make things work and accomplish things. This weekend was different. I could tell this project was not going to defeat me. Even if the internet failed to give me the answer I needed to keep on going, I was sure I could come up with something on my own if I had to. This felt like I had stumbled upon some sort of metaphor for life.

Can everything like this in life work this way? Refuse to be defeated and claim your victory? No doubt there are things that can not be done this way but I’m quite surprised what happens when the right mindset takes over. Great things CAN happen. I think that the special thing that happened this weekend was not that the brake pads got changed on my car…but that I found out that I had the power to not let something defeat me. I could get use to this 😉

Where the frick have I been?

It’s like I’ve been in a time machine…and just woke up. Thats a good thing right? Well it’s been good and bad.

While I was away, Donald Trump managed to step in ‘it’ a few more times than he should have and did not get re-elected as president of the United States. I still tell the old me that no this was not a joke…the guy I used to watch on The Apprentice was running the country. It was like that distant cousin that runs his mouth with no filter was now in charge. A lot got done, some of it was good even but be darned if I could tell you what those good things were. All I know is that I was scared all of those biblical anti-christ stories my mom used to tell me about him making an appearance to rule the world were coming true. At least he didn’t trigger the third world war so I guess it was just a false alarm. < phew! >

Then there was the pandemic. I think I’ve hit the one year mark where I’ve been working from home and not actually making physical contact with any body outside of immediate family. A lot of people would peg this as being close to the end of the world…but not for someone that experiences social anxiety. This has been all quite a normal way of life for me. It has however gone pretty far in derailing all of the work I have done to break out of my shell. So till this day I still remain the guy the won’t shut up once you get to know me. Maybe the world is better off with me being this way. For all I know I’m actually super annoying to be around and at least this way no one needs to know about this part of me 😉

I’m really tempted to go on here and ‘spill my guts’ and ramble on for pages about all the different things going on in my life. Well, a lot has not really changed but in another sense the way I see things has changed. Dare to say I’ve matured a little bit? It’s made for a more calm version of me freaking out on the inside a whole lot less.

What I’ll say to end this entry is that I could really use more of is friends. I’ve read some of the things going on in some of my other blog buddies lives and sincerely wish I could connect more directly with them than just leaving them a comment. A comment wouldn’t do any sort of justice to them to express how much they mean to me or how much I want to give them a virtual hug to let them know everything will be alright. So if you have a blog yourself and are reading this, just think about adding some method to contact you on your page. I know it’s hard to make a ‘real’ connection with people in this world. To start, it some times requires leaving the door open a crack.

Thats all for now. I think I’ll continue to post more of my inner ramblings as it feels pretty good to put them out there and not bottle them up inside. Are you ready for more ? Grab your favorite beverage, plop down in to your favorite chair, and get ready for more…

Hate the Rain, Love the Rain

So the lunch hour started with my contemplation of going on my regular lunch time walk. Its the one hour of the day that I perceive as being adventurous in my life. BUT the rain put a stop to that. So here I find myself writing for myself one of my great blog entries 🙂 OK I’m sure the world was also looking for some proof of life that I am still around.

For today I hate the rain because it is causing me to miss out out this little break in my life that I receive every day. One hour of  pure glory! Why do I view this one hour as so great you might ask? Well it is the one hour where I go to the magic land that is the public library. Without fail, if i am at work, then I too am at the library…all spring, summer, fall and winter. Its where I spend my lunch times…no matter how hot,cold, or warm, I am there.

Why on earth did I call it magic land? Because it is the one place that whisks me away out of my life. Its where I find a new career, a new hobby and a new soul mate lurking around the book stacks where I least expect to find them. It is a fine concentration where anything can happen, where they run lunch hour yoga classes in the green space court yard. So there is no shortage of active or attractive people at the library.

How can so many life bringing things get stacked under one roof? Well its not the typical public library that you picture when you think of a library. Its a modern 4 story monolith that was built to bring life back into the down town. I think it has succeeded 🙂

Where is your library? Where do you go to recharge your batteries and gain some new optimism on life? I also wonder if people visit their magical place as often as I do.

Today I hate the rain for blocking out the magic in my day, but I don’t forget that tonight while I am all warm and dry in my house I will love the rain and how it prepares things for the perfect tomorrow.

Where did spring go?

Did you ever notice how you sometimes depend on the change of seasons to give you hope? This most likely happens to all those people that really dont care for winter. Ok, I meant to say hate winter but I was trying to sugar coat it a little there. Thats why when your spring disappears and makes like the fall again that a shiver runs slowly up your back. The forecast calls for well below normals and rain for the rest of my week.

The cold weather is postponing my life. I’m not getting outside, getting fresh air, jogging, washing my car or exploring the beauty in the world. Oddly, when I watch the TV I dont get to feel the warmth of the sun or the smell of flowers through the screen. My fun and my life is pretty much limited to what I can accomplish from the comfort of my couch.

I have been experimenting with a new drug to fight off depression. It has the benefit of making your mood better. Feeling better, makes you want to get off the couch and do things. Often that is a feeling as alien as walking on Mars. I’m not kidding there. People equate not getting off the couch with laziness, but when you fight with depression all you want to do is close your eyes and wait for the next sleep. And then you get fat !

Fat, fat, fat, FAT ! That is where the summer time call comes in to fight the bulge. That makes for an interesting time when the spring flashes back and forth between the next season and winter. This kind of turns life into a rollercoaster of better yourself or go back to the couch.  I can tell now though that it is time to tame my waist line and start running to summer.

Time to get a little bit gay when I talk about style and relationships. Ok, I don’t have either but I’m hanging on in both departments. Todays gaydom is due to an MTV show called Faking it. What do you get when you fake being a lesbian with your best friend in high school to get popular? you get a ton of fun ! But beware, there are only 2 1/2 seasons of this show available before it got cancelled so savour every moment. It took me a while to watch the whole series but I literally looked forward to every episode. I cant say that for every show I’ve devoted myself to. Over to some style talk now.

I have the fashion sense of a Costco customer. If I did nothing but shop for my clothes at Costco I would be safe. You can’t go wrong with their reasonable prices and designer name labels. I’ve been feeling lately like I’ve been hit by the logo bug, not the label bug. I’ve been amazed lately at how some logos that sportswear companies make are so attractive: Champion, Fila and Puma. I really think there is something special to them that I cant put my finger on. Remember you heard it here first. Go get your logo on !

 

 

Life After Hawaii

Its been close to 7 days back and I’ve had a few revelations… Not resolutions. This year I missed the Christmas boat and the New Years boat. For the most part it was difficult to tell it was Christmas except for the Christmas tree one of the resort hotels put on the beach in Waikiki for that one special day.

Before leaving I’d been sick of everything in my surroundings on my last day of work and welcomed the 19 day break I had coming. There would be no waiting for late buses in the freezing cold, no pressure  for meeting the new quotas that have been instituted at work and no waiting for that big blast of snow or cold to lock things down. Oh you’ve got to love living in the Canadian prairies in the winter.

Being back now for about two days it was time to go back to work. Work as it turns out would have to wait while the snow pelted the city and brought everything almost to a standstill. I would spend the day working from home using my lunch break to dig out my drive way with my snow blower. So much for easing back into life post Hawaii.

Hawaii did give me some time to sort a few things out. Within the first week home I started to ask myself what was I going to do to try and improve my life. This year I missed my chance to make any new years resolutions so how would this year be any different from the last? The answer wouldn’t be to live life to its fullest, make tons of cash or buy a fancy car. The answer would simply be to change and live the life of a good person.

Its easy to live life for yourself. Its easy for your choices to be guided by your wants and needs and nothing more. Take time for your self, practice selfcare, be sure to make time for yourself are a few guiding phrases you’ve probably heard. For some of us, we don’t even realize that we’re so focused on ourselves, but we experience the cost of being this way because it leads to having a very lonely existence.

How do I define the life of a good person? In my opinion it would be someone who on their last day on earth will be able to say you were able to give of yourself and pay attention to the needs of others.  To say that you made a difference to make those peoples lives somehow better or happier. The key here is to pay attention and to do what you need to do to stop the buzzing of life so you can stop and take a timeout to notice others needs. I know I for one am guilty of living life on full-auto, racing from one thing to another trying to stuff as many things in to a day as humanly possible.

I think I have a long way to go as far as living the life of a good person goes but so far just trying feels pretty good and gives me a goal each day that makes me feel good about myself. It’s bringing a little aloha and the warmth of Hawaii back into my life helping to melt the cold of the prairies making everyday back that much better.

Aloha

Greetings to the world out there. I thought it would be important to let the world know I was still out there and alive as I haven’t posted in a long while. Its quite easy to put out a post here and there especially if you are going through something where you need to process and work your way through that something. Sorry to say today I provide no drama, just my ordinary life and a few of the high lights.

For one, I and the family are heading to Hawaii to spend the Christmas holidays/new years in a place without snow or sucky jobs bleeding the life out of us. First time in 15 or 20 years that I’ve taken a winter vacation although people assume you do this all the time when you say you’re going somewhere warm for the winter. Truthfully, the trip has more to do with the kiddos being old enough to appreciate the trip and the in-laws still being in good enough health to watch over the homestead and our poochie. In other words, the time is right for this trip!

Another highlight is I love to shop online and beg borrow steal(?) the best possible deal I can get. I’d almost say I am happiest when I am in hot pursuit buying something. the list from last month includes a guitar amp for me and a gaming computer mainly for my kid which we took advantage of black friday to squeeze out the best possible deals. It was me in my prime having so many different things to monitor prices on and price match. Glorious !

Well I hope to put out some more blogs about life in Hawaii fairly shortly. So keep your eyes open for them. Almost time to experience a little aloha….stay tuned.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

it is 2:39 AM and you would not be impressed under the circumstances. Its been a while since we talked and as my brother said we do have a special connection and bond. There are things I feel like I failed you with and wish we could sort through. They include the big three:  religion, marriage and relationships.

Religion is a big one with you and I have yet to give it a fair chance. Does watching Billy Graham count as a step in the right direction? I hope so. He’s been doing these 30 minute promo videos that focus on the lives of three people whose lives have been changed. The show paints a pretty picture of life with God in these peoples present lives. Do you think this can happen for everyone, even me? Do you still feel the same way? Your faith is amazing, I’ll give you that.

My marriage as you last heard was still doing well. It is doing well, but not in the sense that you think, it is not a true marriage. You see we are just two best friends doing the best that we can trying to remember to take life slow.  I wish I could report there was any sort of love in the room for my wife but my emotions have been punctured and beat up too badly to try and bring them back up to the surface to ever think about rekindling anything deep with this person ever again. On the plus side I’m sure that is how she feels about me too. It makes what I am about to say next a little bit easier.

On to relationships and what I do feel, where there are certain confessions I should make. While my marriage was imploding and I was in the long process of rebuilding myself, all of the pieces of the puzzle came together an I determined that I was gay. Everything I went through as a teen and young adult gave me the sense that they were lacking in meaning some how and now I know why. Perhaps where you are right now you can see through your old beliefs that this is not wrong. How can love when found ever be wrong? After all, God is love right ? Perhaps with connections with the guy upstairs you can accept this. Sorry to have it come out in this way, I should have taken the opportunity to tell you in person. please forgive me for that.

You see these are some of the things that weigh on my mind at 2:39 AM while I think about going back to sleep. I’ll try harder to give God and religion a chance and not speed through life without giving something so important to you a decent chance. I’ll continue to keep the family a priority and keep the bonds strong as everyone moves forward through life. You hopefully, will have forgiveness in your heart for me not telling you sooner I was gay. Oddly I picture you praying for me right now at the time of my confession 😉  Tell dad I love him as it was not said enough or in time. You can tell him the news and catch him up, I think he would like that. I have not forgotten him.

It’s getting close to 3:00 AM now and I feel the sleep creeping back again. Please give my dog a good night kiss on the head for me when you see her as I miss her too. Thanks for being there and listening, I knew I could count on you waiting till the end and hearing me through.  Don’t ever forget I love you too.

Good Night and God bless