Dear Mom

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Dear Mom,

it is 2:39 AM and you would not be impressed under the circumstances. Its been a while since we talked and as my brother said we do have a special connection and bond. There are things I feel like I failed you with and wish we could sort through. They include the big three:  religion, marriage and relationships.

Religion is a big one with you and I have yet to give it a fair chance. Does watching Billy Graham count as a step in the right direction? I hope so. He’s been doing these 30 minute promo videos that focus on the lives of three people whose lives have been changed. The show paints a pretty picture of life with God in these peoples present lives. Do you think this can happen for everyone, even me? Do you still feel the same way? Your faith is amazing, I’ll give you that.

My marriage as you last heard was still doing well. It is doing well, but not in the sense that you think, it is not a true marriage. You see we are just two best friends doing the best that we can trying to remember to take life slow.  I wish I could report there was any sort of love in the room for my wife but my emotions have been punctured and beat up too badly to try and bring them back up to the surface to ever think about rekindling anything deep with this person ever again. On the plus side I’m sure that is how she feels about me too. It makes what I am about to say next a little bit easier.

On to relationships and what I do feel, where there are certain confessions I should make. While my marriage was imploding and I was in the long process of rebuilding myself, all of the pieces of the puzzle came together an I determined that I was gay. Everything I went through as a teen and young adult gave me the sense that they were lacking in meaning some how and now I know why. Perhaps where you are right now you can see through your old beliefs that this is not wrong. How can love when found ever be wrong? After all, God is love right ? Perhaps with connections with the guy upstairs you can accept this. Sorry to have it come out in this way, I should have taken the opportunity to tell you in person. please forgive me for that.

You see these are some of the things that weigh on my mind at 2:39 AM while I think about going back to sleep. I’ll try harder to give God and religion a chance and not speed through life without giving something so important to you a decent chance. I’ll continue to keep the family a priority and keep the bonds strong as everyone moves forward through life. You hopefully, will have forgiveness in your heart for me not telling you sooner I was gay. Oddly I picture you praying for me right now at the time of my confession 😉  Tell dad I love him as it was not said enough or in time. You can tell him the news and catch him up, I think he would like that. I have not forgotten him.

It’s getting close to 3:00 AM now and I feel the sleep creeping back again. Please give my dog a good night kiss on the head for me when you see her as I miss her too. Thanks for being there and listening, I knew I could count on you waiting till the end and hearing me through.  Don’t ever forget I love you too.

Good Night and God bless

 

Is there a Heaven ?

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I don’t know. I’d like think there is and I was taught that there was since day one. Now hit the rewind button and see what you recall was happening in your life on Thursday around 6:00 PM last week. What is the significance of this day/time ? That is when my mom took her last breath and passed away.

I could write pages of our experiences together good and bad that coloured the path I took in life. How she was a saint and the most selfless person I know and was always there for me. She was more to the point one of my best friends and confidant in all things.

She was devoutly religious in her baptist faith. The baptist faith is pretty rigid and things are spelt out in what would make you a good christian. Many of the comments from those I’ve run into offer comfort in saying we will meet again someday.

Quite honestly life has been a been a pretty rough ride so far as far as feeling that I even belong here at all. There has always been the depression and anxiety accompanying me in life with a good smattering of suicidal thoughts every so often. I have drifted away from the church, their beliefs and any thoughts of there being a heaven.

What if she was right? what if there is a heaven?  A place that for once, everyone can be in peace together. I am stuck with this thought now as I carry on. I have the funeral to go to tomorrow and that is going make this all real again, VERY real. Maybe she was right, there is a heaven, she is in a better place. This possibility may make this day some how slightly less painful and I can take a little bit of comfort in thinking she may actually be in a better place. Peace be with you and with my mom.