Dear Mom

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Dear Mom,

it is 2:39 AM and you would not be impressed under the circumstances. Its been a while since we talked and as my brother said we do have a special connection and bond. There are things I feel like I failed you with and wish we could sort through. They include the big three:  religion, marriage and relationships.

Religion is a big one with you and I have yet to give it a fair chance. Does watching Billy Graham count as a step in the right direction? I hope so. He’s been doing these 30 minute promo videos that focus on the lives of three people whose lives have been changed. The show paints a pretty picture of life with God in these peoples present lives. Do you think this can happen for everyone, even me? Do you still feel the same way? Your faith is amazing, I’ll give you that.

My marriage as you last heard was still doing well. It is doing well, but not in the sense that you think, it is not a true marriage. You see we are just two best friends doing the best that we can trying to remember to take life slow.  I wish I could report there was any sort of love in the room for my wife but my emotions have been punctured and beat up too badly to try and bring them back up to the surface to ever think about rekindling anything deep with this person ever again. On the plus side I’m sure that is how she feels about me too. It makes what I am about to say next a little bit easier.

On to relationships and what I do feel, where there are certain confessions I should make. While my marriage was imploding and I was in the long process of rebuilding myself, all of the pieces of the puzzle came together an I determined that I was gay. Everything I went through as a teen and young adult gave me the sense that they were lacking in meaning some how and now I know why. Perhaps where you are right now you can see through your old beliefs that this is not wrong. How can love when found ever be wrong? After all, God is love right ? Perhaps with connections with the guy upstairs you can accept this. Sorry to have it come out in this way, I should have taken the opportunity to tell you in person. please forgive me for that.

You see these are some of the things that weigh on my mind at 2:39 AM while I think about going back to sleep. I’ll try harder to give God and religion a chance and not speed through life without giving something so important to you a decent chance. I’ll continue to keep the family a priority and keep the bonds strong as everyone moves forward through life. You hopefully, will have forgiveness in your heart for me not telling you sooner I was gay. Oddly I picture you praying for me right now at the time of my confession 😉  Tell dad I love him as it was not said enough or in time. You can tell him the news and catch him up, I think he would like that. I have not forgotten him.

It’s getting close to 3:00 AM now and I feel the sleep creeping back again. Please give my dog a good night kiss on the head for me when you see her as I miss her too. Thanks for being there and listening, I knew I could count on you waiting till the end and hearing me through.  Don’t ever forget I love you too.

Good Night and God bless

 

Getting Older

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Time for an update ? you bet. It’s the day before my birthday and it feels more significant than new years eve. New years is when I get to reevaluate things and figure out what I plan to do to make the best of the next year. The birthday to me is taken the same way but it feels so much more significant to me. Here’s the latest thats happened for me to think about that is going to influence my choices as this next year of my life gets ready to start.

First the good news. There is a new dog in my life. Surprisingly, it was my wife that pushed for this one. We adopted privately a doggie that was looking to be rehomed as the present owners life situation called for him to down size the numbers of critters he was living with out in the country. She’s almost two years old and is very needy for attention and loves hugs and kisses. She is a cross between lab, boxer and rotti. She is boxer brown all over which is a bronzey colour I have just never seen in a dog before and has a big kissable melon which could be from the Rotti in her.

I’m still in and enjoying a sewing class once a week. Yup, I’m learning about fashion from the inside out. Made a pillow and I’m moving on to a hoodie. Apparently I’ve got some impressively straight lines. I’ve been shocked by the price of the materials and don’t really know how anyone can afford to do this for fun without going broke. I guess we’ve got mass produced garments from China to thank for being able to have affordable clothes. If we didn’t have mass produced clothes we’d all be deciding if we wanted food to eat or clothes to wear. There have been a few downward strokes to contend with in life too.

Due to a crazy foot injury called plantar fasciitis I’ve been spending lots of time on my butt instead of exercising. I quit running in an attempt to see if it would go away but it didn’t. A few snacking incidents has also led to the return of my bad night snacking habit. I swear its like being in a plane flying towards the ground. You know you need to stop and pull up but things happening in life have made this (once again) the one thing that you can look forward to bring you a little bit happiness. I think there are alcoholics out there that feel the same way about their addictions.

There is not a lot of conflict in my relationship with my wife but for the most part it doesn’t surface but simmers beneath the surface. It managed to surface today because I didn’t read between the lines in one of her emails. She was venting about our son getting lazy and not helping out more around the house when asked. Apparently getting this email meant I was supposed to pull him aside as soon as I got home from work today and give him a stern talking to. My question to her was why didn’t you just say what your expectations were in the first place? Ah yes, the battle that can never be won. Score: wife: 1, My self esteem: -1. It’s honestly very exhausting. I keep a smile on my face and do the best that I can to present normalcy so my kids can continue to have a two parent family unit, but sometimes the price can be so high. You know what I mean?

Back to the resolutions for the next year of my life. Keep up the fight against my depression, keep up the fight against my addictions and keep hope alive that one day I can experience ‘normal’ one more time.

 

 

When Your Anchor Leaves You …

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*** Warning sad story ahead ****

To anyone that would ask I would say she was my anchor through all the good and all the bad. She was keeping me alive, keeping me sane. That my friend, gave her real importance in the world, a purpose. At only 14 to 16 inches tall she had quite the cross to bear but she did it with a smile….every day. Here is her picture below:

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Friday January 19,2018 my little friend and companion went to be with the lord. Even though I am not particularly religous I want to believe that she lives on and will never truly be gone from my life. That she still walks beside me everywhere I go. You see, I still need her and love her and that has not changed.

Even in my darkest days, I always knew I had to stick around to take care of my baby. Who would comb her, feed her, keep her water bowl full, give her a quick pat or kiss on the head why the rest of the house stormed on by ? Everyday I did at least one thing to let her know that she was important and not forgotten. She gave me purpose.

Putting your dog to sleep is considered by society to be the kinder way to transition your pet to the here after. Let me tell you, it may be kinder for the animal but it is not the easier option for those that love them. Up to two days before her final day I had already had many a full out private cry session. It was the kind of emotion I didn’t even know I was still capable of experiencing. I like to tell myself that the measure of tears is measure of the love you had for them.  That being true, there was a lot of love present.

Everyday I think I’m good, feeling better. Then a simple trigger will remind me that she was here. Her empty bed still lies in the kitchen, her frozen little poops trapped in the snow till the spring and that deck. Keep it shovelled or she will pee on it forsure ! Time to head to the kitchen and pull some food out on the counter. You’ll know where she’ll be. At your feet ….. forever and always, I love you.