Where did spring go?

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Did you ever notice how you sometimes depend on the change of seasons to give you hope? This most likely happens to all those people that really dont care for winter. Ok, I meant to say hate winter but I was trying to sugar coat it a little there. Thats why when your spring disappears and makes like the fall again that a shiver runs slowly up your back. The forecast calls for well below normals and rain for the rest of my week.

The cold weather is postponing my life. I’m not getting outside, getting fresh air, jogging, washing my car or exploring the beauty in the world. Oddly, when I watch the TV I dont get to feel the warmth of the sun or the smell of flowers through the screen. My fun and my life is pretty much limited to what I can accomplish from the comfort of my couch.

I have been experimenting with a new drug to fight off depression. It has the benefit of making your mood better. Feeling better, makes you want to get off the couch and do things. Often that is a feeling as alien as walking on Mars. I’m not kidding there. People equate not getting off the couch with laziness, but when you fight with depression all you want to do is close your eyes and wait for the next sleep. And then you get fat !

Fat, fat, fat, FAT ! That is where the summer time call comes in to fight the bulge. That makes for an interesting time when the spring flashes back and forth between the next season and winter. This kind of turns life into a rollercoaster of better yourself or go back to the couch.  I can tell now though that it is time to tame my waist line and start running to summer.

Time to get a little bit gay when I talk about style and relationships. Ok, I don’t have either but I’m hanging on in both departments. Todays gaydom is due to an MTV show called Faking it. What do you get when you fake being a lesbian with your best friend in high school to get popular? you get a ton of fun ! But beware, there are only 2 1/2 seasons of this show available before it got cancelled so savour every moment. It took me a while to watch the whole series but I literally looked forward to every episode. I cant say that for every show I’ve devoted myself to. Over to some style talk now.

I have the fashion sense of a Costco customer. If I did nothing but shop for my clothes at Costco I would be safe. You can’t go wrong with their reasonable prices and designer name labels. I’ve been feeling lately like I’ve been hit by the logo bug, not the label bug. I’ve been amazed lately at how some logos that sportswear companies make are so attractive: Champion, Fila and Puma. I really think there is something special to them that I cant put my finger on. Remember you heard it here first. Go get your logo on !

 

 

Dear Mom

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Dear Mom,

it is 2:39 AM and you would not be impressed under the circumstances. Its been a while since we talked and as my brother said we do have a special connection and bond. There are things I feel like I failed you with and wish we could sort through. They include the big three:  religion, marriage and relationships.

Religion is a big one with you and I have yet to give it a fair chance. Does watching Billy Graham count as a step in the right direction? I hope so. He’s been doing these 30 minute promo videos that focus on the lives of three people whose lives have been changed. The show paints a pretty picture of life with God in these peoples present lives. Do you think this can happen for everyone, even me? Do you still feel the same way? Your faith is amazing, I’ll give you that.

My marriage as you last heard was still doing well. It is doing well, but not in the sense that you think, it is not a true marriage. You see we are just two best friends doing the best that we can trying to remember to take life slow.  I wish I could report there was any sort of love in the room for my wife but my emotions have been punctured and beat up too badly to try and bring them back up to the surface to ever think about rekindling anything deep with this person ever again. On the plus side I’m sure that is how she feels about me too. It makes what I am about to say next a little bit easier.

On to relationships and what I do feel, where there are certain confessions I should make. While my marriage was imploding and I was in the long process of rebuilding myself, all of the pieces of the puzzle came together an I determined that I was gay. Everything I went through as a teen and young adult gave me the sense that they were lacking in meaning some how and now I know why. Perhaps where you are right now you can see through your old beliefs that this is not wrong. How can love when found ever be wrong? After all, God is love right ? Perhaps with connections with the guy upstairs you can accept this. Sorry to have it come out in this way, I should have taken the opportunity to tell you in person. please forgive me for that.

You see these are some of the things that weigh on my mind at 2:39 AM while I think about going back to sleep. I’ll try harder to give God and religion a chance and not speed through life without giving something so important to you a decent chance. I’ll continue to keep the family a priority and keep the bonds strong as everyone moves forward through life. You hopefully, will have forgiveness in your heart for me not telling you sooner I was gay. Oddly I picture you praying for me right now at the time of my confession 😉  Tell dad I love him as it was not said enough or in time. You can tell him the news and catch him up, I think he would like that. I have not forgotten him.

It’s getting close to 3:00 AM now and I feel the sleep creeping back again. Please give my dog a good night kiss on the head for me when you see her as I miss her too. Thanks for being there and listening, I knew I could count on you waiting till the end and hearing me through.  Don’t ever forget I love you too.

Good Night and God bless

 

Self Preservation or Being a Jerk?

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Some of you may have realized I like to write about my thoughts and musings more than everyday events. These thoughts usually leave me by the time I decide its worthy of a post but this one thing lately made me write down some notes to not let this thought escape me. The question my friend, is why are people I deal with such jerks?

I’m mainly talking about the physical people I run into at work not the loyal friends I follow on Facebook lol Right ! I don’t have many friends outside of work….but that’s another story and something I’m working on.

What I’ve seen happening at work is a common mentality of ‘not my job’ so don’t bug me. This is in contrast to the way things used to be here 10+ years ago where everyone had time for everyone and it was a mutual goal to excel and rise up to be the best you could be. Do I blame them ? no. It’s hard in this climate to stay afloat where the new normal is high output required and your worth is measured and based on how much you can do and not how much you can offer.

I’ve observed that sooner or later people learn that they need to ignore others needs in order to meet their own. If I look deeper it looks to be spread out over the spectrum of love, sex, marriage and family. BUT in making this their primary focus do they realize they become jerks to the others around them. Do they even care when the rest doesn’t matter?

Invariably I believe by obtaining these things people can over time revert back to being non-jerks. The prime example I can give to that are the elderly people around us. I think everyone knows someone that is elderly that will talk to anyone at the drop of a hat and offer whatever help they can. There is an openness everyone they encounter. An interesting lesson we can take away from those that have ‘been there done that’ and found an importance in others that does not fuel self gain.

A big shout out to the enlightened. I thank you for being there. These are the people that are able to do this at any stage in their life and not just when they are old and have found meaning in people outside of their immediate circle of friends. In my opinion this is the holy grail of existence we should all strive for. Am I there? no sir ! but perhaps knowing whats important in life puts me one step further at work or in everyday life from being a jerk.

The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and Exercise

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What does Kimmy have to do with exercise? Truthfully it was the first show that I watched when I started on the treadmill and the arrival of its new season seems to be a sign that I take my first stab at trying to exercise again in a long while. It was the perfect plan …. it was the four seasons (?) previous where I started to make the weight melt off before so it seems like a sign that with the arrival of the new season, the timing was right to take another shot at this.

This is not a weight loss story. If you’ve read my entries before you’ll know a lesson often arrives with these little revelations in my life. Mental health is not something I understand but acknowledge is something I do grapple with. Typically a compulsive action starts to occur and I need to figure out what is triggering things. This time I’m quite convinced a lot of this was related to my quitting nicotine gum. I’m not a fan of smoking and I find I fall off the wagon every so often which I figured had to do with being on a nice strong dosage of the gum. Me and self medicating are a really, REALLY  bad combination.

Its also around this time that things are just off the charts going ‘bad’ when I remember that exercise did actually lift my moods to almost an acceptable level. Then along comes the new season of Kimmy Schmidt. I gave Kimmy and the treadmill a shot once again to try and re-align myself.  The result? Kimmy was great, the treadmill kicked my but, I schvitzed but I did feel the tiniest bit better taking it all in afterwards. Is this a sign of things to come? Did Kimmy save my life?  Sometimes we forget get to invest in ourselves when we suit up to fight mental illness and I’m going to try and keep going and see what happens.

 

 

Do you fear coming out? What happens when the roadblocks disappear …

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The way I see it, I have two big challenges front and center with me: Should I come out now that the road blocks are all gone and if I did what would I come out as ? Let me put out there that it would not be the worst thing for me to get outed via social media or by me being involved in pro LGBT activities or expressing my opinions. I think I could live with it happening that way. What I am talking more about here is coming out in the traditional sense of announcing it as a matter of fact to those that matter in my life and hoping they still remain close. Further to complicate this, announcing your new sexual orientation requires stating what your new norms are. A tougher thing to do especially if you don’t like labels and being put into someones tidy little ‘orientation box’.

After my mother passed away, it took me some time to realize there wasn’t a lot of reasons to remain closeted anymore. It was her I felt I was protecting from the radical turmoil that I could unleash on to my life and hers. Was I being a big weenie for holding this in? probably. If you mix in the problems with anxiety and depression that I have, you start to weigh these decisions more heavily trying not to have anxiety and depression controlling the outcome. Things are not always seen as clearly as others without these problems would see them. What I do know is that there is a sense of peace flowing through me regarding my ‘secret’.

I had a fight with my wife the other day at the end of the night as we were settling in to watch some TV before bed. I was ready to enjoy some quiet time together but she had other plans. It was time for the classic ambush and time for me to explain why the old me came back after an appearance of the ‘good’ me surfaced for two days after my mother passed. Did you know there was a ‘good’ version of me that I constantly try to live up to? I apparently was more thoughtful, kind, attentive and I became a good listener during this period. She did not like that life had gone back to the usual. I on the other hand did not see it. I was still being myself believing I was being more attentive, more kind and more appreciative of my surroundings and family. If there was an improvement in the situation I attributed it to us both being off work and having tons of time to think about things and be reflective. I did ask why she felt the need to attack me in this way and what kind of positive outcome could possibly come from having a ‘conversation’ this way. I didn’t really get an answer to this but let the blows fall as they may cursing myself for letting my guard down in the first place.  Thats when it occurred to me if I really made her that unhappy I could offer to leave, come out or both. That still blows my mind to think of the options now that the roadblocks are gone. As I reflect back on that event I feel a glimmer of hope that there might be something good on the horizon or perhaps just change.

Quite possibly the worst part (for me) about coming out is claiming a sexual orientation. It seems like it is socially acceptable to go to the same gender. ie. I liked girls but realize I’m more into men. It however seems like you break what is acceptable and you have a problem if you (as a male for example) want to be with women, men and then women again. This feels like a one shot deal and you better get it right. Oddly this worries me as I am one of those people that always has a backup plan. If I truly believe what I’ve said then you would realize there is plan B once you put it out there. You can only do this once and it will stick for always. No pressure …

No coming out discussion would be complete without doing some inner reflection on just how ready you think you are. Are you ready ? How much have you prepared yourself mentally, financially or socially? Is this something you can just roll with and everything will be alright? As an introvert, I can say that often I’m guilty of over thinking things, especially the larger decisions in life. I think that if you can keep yourself in a good place mentally you are more likely respond appropriately to whatever life throws your way and that includes whatever stresses come your way as a result of coming out. These days I think this is often referred to as self care.

Perhaps my hesitation to come out is why I push the envelope daily and express myself a little more each time. When it happens it will happen. Some day what is on the inside will be on the outside… and you’ll be first in line to hear about it.

 

 

 

 

Is there a Heaven ?

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I don’t know. I’d like think there is and I was taught that there was since day one. Now hit the rewind button and see what you recall was happening in your life on Thursday around 6:00 PM last week. What is the significance of this day/time ? That is when my mom took her last breath and passed away.

I could write pages of our experiences together good and bad that coloured the path I took in life. How she was a saint and the most selfless person I know and was always there for me. She was more to the point one of my best friends and confidant in all things.

She was devoutly religious in her baptist faith. The baptist faith is pretty rigid and things are spelt out in what would make you a good christian. Many of the comments from those I’ve run into offer comfort in saying we will meet again someday.

Quite honestly life has been a been a pretty rough ride so far as far as feeling that I even belong here at all. There has always been the depression and anxiety accompanying me in life with a good smattering of suicidal thoughts every so often. I have drifted away from the church, their beliefs and any thoughts of there being a heaven.

What if she was right? what if there is a heaven?  A place that for once, everyone can be in peace together. I am stuck with this thought now as I carry on. I have the funeral to go to tomorrow and that is going make this all real again, VERY real. Maybe she was right, there is a heaven, she is in a better place. This possibility may make this day some how slightly less painful and I can take a little bit of comfort in thinking she may actually be in a better place. Peace be with you and with my mom.

 

When Your Anchor Leaves You …

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*** Warning sad story ahead ****

To anyone that would ask I would say she was my anchor through all the good and all the bad. She was keeping me alive, keeping me sane. That my friend, gave her real importance in the world, a purpose. At only 14 to 16 inches tall she had quite the cross to bear but she did it with a smile….every day. Here is her picture below:

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Friday January 19,2018 my little friend and companion went to be with the lord. Even though I am not particularly religous I want to believe that she lives on and will never truly be gone from my life. That she still walks beside me everywhere I go. You see, I still need her and love her and that has not changed.

Even in my darkest days, I always knew I had to stick around to take care of my baby. Who would comb her, feed her, keep her water bowl full, give her a quick pat or kiss on the head why the rest of the house stormed on by ? Everyday I did at least one thing to let her know that she was important and not forgotten. She gave me purpose.

Putting your dog to sleep is considered by society to be the kinder way to transition your pet to the here after. Let me tell you, it may be kinder for the animal but it is not the easier option for those that love them. Up to two days before her final day I had already had many a full out private cry session. It was the kind of emotion I didn’t even know I was still capable of experiencing. I like to tell myself that the measure of tears is measure of the love you had for them.  That being true, there was a lot of love present.

Everyday I think I’m good, feeling better. Then a simple trigger will remind me that she was here. Her empty bed still lies in the kitchen, her frozen little poops trapped in the snow till the spring and that deck. Keep it shovelled or she will pee on it forsure ! Time to head to the kitchen and pull some food out on the counter. You’ll know where she’ll be. At your feet ….. forever and always, I love you.